The Encounter

The bright lights of the movie theatre lobby burned my eyes as I angrily made my way through the crowded throng of people. My head was still spinning from the flick I had just seen, a true abomination of the once reputable SAW series, in which Jigsaw was not only resurrected after being dead for fourteen movies, but sent out into outer space to teach his torturous ways to an alien apprentice. To an average movie-goer, this may have been quite the comedic experience, but I was not impressed and simply wanted to get home. I angrily pushed my way past happily chattering people, not bothering to look up or apologize for stepping on feet and trying my best to avoid the numerous puddles of slushie that decorated the sticky floor. However, my coordination has never been top-notch, and as I attempted to leap over a particularly large spill I ended up tripping over my own feet and BAM! I wound up smashing right into the man in front of me, his newly bought popcorn joining the rest of the muck on the floor. I immediately bent down to pick up what was left of the bag, and felt my face going a million shades of red.
“Oh my God… I am so sorry!” I stammered, feeling like an idiot. I was glad that the man’s sunglasses hid his eyes from me, which I could only assume were rolling with complete annoyance.
“No, no… it’s fine.” He said quickly, bending down to help me. “The line’s only… a mile along. Ah, whatever, I shouldn’t be eating that stuff anyway”
I tilted my head up as he began to talk, and thought the voice sounded oddly familiar. As I got a better look at him, a thought began to form in my head… but no, it couldn’t possibly be. In Stoney Creek, of all places? I was wondering whether or not I could trust my already faulty eyes, when I realized that the man was staring right at me, as if he knew the thoughts racing in my head. He gave a knowing smile which I could recognize anywhere, and removed his sunglasses. The theatre was filled with the dramatic gasp that escaped my mouth, which was gaping open in complete shock.
“OH. MY. GOD… PAUL RUDD?!” I screamed.
“Holy crap! Where?!” He yelled, jumping to his feet, quickly putting his sunglasses back on. “No, but seriously kid, shh. I’m trying to go incognito here, if you can’t tell.”
I stood frozen to the spot, hardly daring to believe that the Paul Rudd, a comedic God, was standing in front of me. My eyes could barely take in the buffet of manliness that stood there, as he quickly addressed the interested crowd that my excited scream had attracted.
“I have no idea what she’s talking about...” He said with a hearty, fake laugh. “She, uh, seems a bit disturbed… must be that new SAW movie. Carry on folks!”
Apparently the sunglasses were an effective disguise, as everyone in the theatre went about their business, failing to notice that Paul-freaking-Rudd was there. I jumped as he waved his hand in front my face, snapping me out of my struck-dumb state.
“Sorry… it’s just… you’re just… I’mkindofinlovewithyou” I blurted out. “No! I didn’t mean that… well, I did. But not like that!”
“Well, thank you” he said with a laugh, “I suppose, in that case, I can forgive you for spilling my popcorn all over the floor”
“I am really, really sorry about that!” I said quickly, reaching into my pocket and pulling out a ten dollar bill to pay him back.
“Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s no big deal… anyways, it was nice meeting you. Bye!” He said kindly, and he turned and began to walk away.
I stood there for a second and stared as he began to make his way inside theatre seven… and then I realized that he was Paul-freaking-Rudd, and he was getting away! I couldn’t let this happen! I didn’t even get a picture, or his autograph… I just stood there gaping like an idiot for five minutes! Immediately my instincts kicked in and I channeled my inner track star that had apparently been dormant for seventeen years.
“PAAAAUL!” I screamed as I ran like a maniac, weaving my way through the crowd of people. “WAAAAIT!”
I saw his beautiful face clad in those clever sunglasses turn towards me, wearing an expression of utter confusion as I barreled toward him, lunging with my arms outstretched. I landed on my stomach at his feet, wrapping my arms around his legs as his confusion turned to downright terror. However, before I knew it I was being lifted off the ground, my kung-fu grip on Paul Rudd’s limbs broken, and hoisted over a broad shoulder.
“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” said the gruff voice of who I could only assume to be Paul Rudd’s security.
“Put me down right now you big oaf!” I demanded, pounding my fists against the man’s back
“Wow… you really are disturbed” said Paul Rudd, his eyes wide.
“No! I’m not! I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN! PUT ME DOWN!”
“Okay Miss, I’m going to have to take you with me” the body guard said, “Very sorry about this Mr. Rudd”
“What? Take me with you? Where?! I DIDN’T EVEN GET A PICTURE!” I screamed, as the guard began walking toward the door, Paul Rudd’s face becoming more and more distant. “I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN PAUL! PUT ME DOWN! TOTES MAGOTES, PAUL! TOTES MAGOTES!”
The last thing I saw before being thrown into the cop car was Paul Rudd assuring people he had no idea who I was, and that the guard would get me back to “the home” safely. Great! Not only did Paul Rudd think I was the biggest psychopath in existence, I was now going to be put in jail for harassment! I mean, sure, maybe I came off a little strong with the whole “I love you” thing, and yes, I did almost tackle him to get a picture… but harassment?! It seemed a little blown out of proportion to me.
I slumped in the back seat of the cop car, wondering how on earth I was going to get myself out of this situation. There was no way I was spending my night in the slammer. That was a place for vicious murderous and thieves, not innocent, adoring fans! My mind raced furiously as I looked around the back seat for anything I could possibly use to make my great escape. As I was feeling around the seat cushions, the cop’s voice distracted me and I realized we were parked at the Tim Horton’s on the end of my street.
“All right, I’m going to go inside and get me a donut… just, uh, don’t move, okay?” He said to me, fumbling with the door’s locks to get out of his car. He didn’t seem too bright, this one.
“You got it, sir” I said, and immediately began rummaging through the back seat when my hand came upon a handle that was hidden along the bottom. Some sort of secret compartment, perhaps? I pulled on the handle, knowing I had limited time, and pulled out a drawer that was filled with a cornucopia of odd items including an orange tie covered with skiing cats, a baseball cap that declared a love for hotdogs, and black eyeliner. I knew the only way out of my predicament was to fool this cop, which didn’t seem like too tricky of a feat. I tied my hair back, putting the hat on my head, and wrapped the tacky tie around my neck. I finished the look off with an eyeliner mustache that curled up at the ends, and a goatee. The only thing left to do was wait.
A few moments later, the cop emerged from Tim Horton’s, clumsily spilling his coffee as he tried to balance it atop a large box of donuts. My heart raced as he grew closer, and I prayed that this disguise would be enough. I need not had worried, however, for his face contorted into complete shock and confusion as he approached the car.
“What the… where the heck did she go?!” He blurted out in a panic as he made his way inside. “How the heck did you get in here?!”
“She’s crazy! Kicked right through the window, she did! Ran off like a maniac, screaming something about getting back to her one true love. Ru Paul, or something like that. I tried to stop her, but she just picked me up and chucked me in here like the bloody Hulk!”
The cop looked absolutely scandalized.
“No freaking kidding…” he said, scratching his shiny head and stuffing a donut in his mouth, “I’m really sorry about that…?”
“Vladimir”
“Right, I’m really sorry about that Vlad. You don’t mind if I call you Vlad? Anyways, I’ll get you home. Donut?”
“No, no I’m fine. I just live at the end of the street” I told him, absolutely elated that this half-baked plan actually worked, and kind of worried that people like this were allowed on the police force.
He pulled into my driveway and opened the door for me, tapping on the glass window.
“All, right Vlad, here you are. Once again, I’m sorry about this mix up”
“Oh, don’t worry” I said nonchalantly, “I’m sure it happens all the time”
“Yeah, I guess it does… thanks for fixing the window, too, by the way! You did a bang-up job; I would never even have known she broke it! All right, take care Vlad!”
I let out a large cheer as I got inside, hardly believing I had actually gotten away with all of that! My mother came into the front hall to see what the commotion was about, and gave me an alarmed look as she saw my odd appearance.
“Deanne, where have you been? And why do you have a moustache…?” She asked, examining my tie and looking downright confused.
“You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you,” I said, making my way upstairs. “And, I’m going to have to go by Vladimir from now on, just so you know. Don’t ask.”
My mother stood at the bottom of the steps, her head tilted to the side, trying to make sense of what she had just seen. However, a Paul Rudd movie marathon was beginning in ten minutes, and my bed was calling me. The story could definitely wait until tomorrow.